On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
