I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
