hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
