my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
