Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
