My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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