Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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