Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
