Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
