I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
