I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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