GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
