Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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