im six kinds of drunk right now
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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