the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize
