omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
