Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
