i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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