oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
