im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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