The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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