Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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