where am i from again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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