yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
