she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
