Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize