Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
