census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
