Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
