The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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