he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Help. Why am I so naked?
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