The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
