We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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