Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
