That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
