Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
