i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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