I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
