He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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