She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
