how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
