In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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