the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
