My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
