you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
