How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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