just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
