Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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