A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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