Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
