I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
