i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
