i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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