never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
