You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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