i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
