Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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