I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
