I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
