It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
