The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
