I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
