If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
