I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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