wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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