So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
